Motherhood. Ain’t no hood like it. Fact. It’s hard AF.
It’s making sure you stretch out every last second of the entire day…dedicated to the small humans you have created. It’s routine, it’s nappies, it’s wipes, it’s big girl bed upgrades, it’s first day of school, it’s last day of primary school, it’s trying not to cry when they start high school, it’s hiding in the wardrobe with the jar of Nutella because they won’t shut up, it’s wanting to change your name to a swear word so they cannot call out to you.
It’s walking through the door after a long day at the sports carnival and realising you forgot to pull meat out of the freezer so now everyone is having 2 minute noodles. It’s doing home reading, while watching the clock tick over way past their bedtime, but they insist on reading as slow as they possibly can just to drag out the bed time routine that extra 15 mins. It’s taking here there and everywhere because you’ve instantly become their social life manager, while yours is non existent.
It’s making sure you have your wine time to stay sane…Yep. Motherhood is hard AF.
So, here’s some things I’ve learnt since becoming a mum…
1. You instantly become a ninja in training.
There is no one on this planet who can slip in and out of a room ninja-like and remain undetected, like a Mother of a sleeping baby. Learning to hold your breath for the few minutes you need to stealth it into the babies room is now part of your resume, because breathing wakes a child and hell hath no fury like a Mum who hasn’t had a few minutes to sit in silence.
2. You and your partner will play ‘Good cop/Bad cop’ DAILY.
And it will change daily of who is who. I’m usually the bad cop though, I like routine and try to stick to it. I say try because when you have a forces husband, who is very rarely here to see your wondrous routine happen properly, shit hits he fan when he tries to intervene. I know he means well but back the fuck up buddy, I got this.
3. Becoming a mum will be a huge learning experience.
From planning or not planning to have a baby, pregnancy, birth and now having four beautiful children, I definitely learn something new everyday. There is no manual on babies once it arrives, no way to do things right or wrong. Seriously, you just do whats right for…fuck what everything else says. It’s your baby.
4. Miss Rabbit and Nanny Plum are the same person.
I know right…mind blown. Pretty confident that there may also be a few other cross contaminations between ‘Peppa Pig’ and ‘Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom’.
5. You really don’t have to buy ALL THE TOYS when they are little.
Seriously…Just your car keys and a cardboard box usually can entertain a small child for hours!!!
I’m joking obvs, but seriously when they are little, they don’t need all the super sound making toys. When they get to the toddler age, same rule applies, just a few toys is enough.
6. There will be poo and spew.
Sometimes at the same time. Yep. For reals. It sucks, my only advice is DISINFECT EVERYTHING. Hands, toys, beds, the children, the pets, yourself…EVERYTHING. Shower in the stuff if that works for you. There is nothing worse than poo and spew.
7. You will master multi-tasking very quickly.
Before baby days, stumbling through life is how I rolled. Taking my time with the washing, the dishes, just general dawdling through life. Then the baby came along. For those unaware, the average sleep cycle of a newborn baby is 40 minutes. 40 minutes. When they wake up, its like a magic 8 ball question…will they go back to sleep or won’t they? So, you have 40 minutes to do everything that needs to get done, or it doesn’t happen. AT ALL.
I didn’t waste time, I didn’t do unnecessary jobs. I just need to get shit done and quickly! Fast forward to a three year old and I now have the ability to sort out the main ‘This needs doing, like right now’ jobs through to the “That’s a too hard basket” jobs and get them done, whilst making a small human snacks, watching Netflix and drinking a cold coffee all at once. #winning
8. Like your personal space? Tough it’s null and void now.
Having four girls I usually have at least one of them climbing on me, not so much the older two, but definitely the younger two, ok more just the youngest, mainly because we co sleep with her, not intentionally, we just wake up in the middle of the night and BOOM she’s there in-between us flapping her arms and legs in her sleep like a drunk octopus looking for is keys. So unless I lock myself in the car and blast the music, or sneak down to her room to sleep I just deal with the feet, arms and legs that are constantly on me.
9. Your food is to be eaten quickly…or it won’t be eaten by you at all.
You know how animals eat their kill quickly to make sure no one steals it from them? This is basically my life now with children. For example…“So, I did just eat my cereal, a yoghurt, a banana and some toast…but you’re eating something I want… and I haven’t had that, so give it!”. You eat fast, you eat quickly, or the animals will find you… and they will win.
10. A woman’s body is amazing.
When pregnant, I was seriously amazed how my body worked to grow a child and then look after it once they were born. A woman will get a heightened sense of smell, which is meant to help her avoid foods that she shouldn’t eat, you grow a new organ (the placenta) in order to help your baby grow, your body releases a hormone which causes you to become more stretchy in order to help your body grow to fit the baby and then squeeze it out of you.
But the biggest thing of all, you are growing a human being inside you. A woman’s body is equipped to carry another human being. And that my friends is amazing.
Even still when I troll YouTube late at night and stumble across a video about a baby growing from an egg, all the way till birth and it seriously just blows my mind.